To start...

To properly inaugurate writing my experiences, rather than simply thinking up cutting remarks I could have made at the time, Ms Kvetch presents, "Dietary Disgruntlement and Other Tales: A Surprisingly Nice Weekend". Please note that all wining, dining, staying, and cheese-related experiences are un-sponsored by the providers of said experiences. This is a fact they will be grateful for in general...(but not today - this one is 'Surprisingly Nice').

We spent a recent Saturday night at Core Luxury Retreat in Mundaring. It was a happy accident, I found it on Mundaring Tourism website (I googled ‘accom + perth hills’, otherwise I wouldn’t have know there WAS a Mundaring Tourism website), and we booked and paid on a Thursday (no EFTPOS or credit card facilities, you have to pay by direct debit, which is a wee bit detracting for spontaneity factor). We just went off the website photos, which has been a source of some discomfiture in the past (how do they manage to make a kennel 2x3m look like a 5 star bedroom, even temporarily?), but for a pleasant change, we were not disappointed. We stayed in a ‘modern contemporary’ room in the Lodge proper, the cabins being booked out for the weekend. It was selectively but adequately furnished, LCD TV, robes and slippers, complimentary Verissima aromatherapy pack (awesome lip balm!), chocolates, and a modern shower ensuite. The only real drawback was the lack of bathroom door, which although providing a light and spacious feel to the room, also provided excellent wee acoustics. Personally I feel that there are some things about Mr Kvetch it is appropriate for me NOT to be familiar with, and that is one of them. Overfamiliarity is the death of romance. Any more than a night, and I may have needed to take a turn around the garden until it was deemed safe to return...

The Lodge and gardens are beautifully done, fantastic use of stone, wood, and the local surrounds, completely built by hosts Yvonne and Greg. All of the water is sourced from rainwater tanks, the energy used is solar, and all waste is recycled, so no need feel guilty about the level of your self-indulgence (you may not feel guilty about self-indulgence, for me, its genetic - I just 'feel the fear and do it anyway'). There is a lit infinity pool and deck looking out to the State forest, which is where we chose to have our complimentary welcome platter and bottle of sparkling, and ended up being where we spent our entire evening. Note to Self for next time though: do not leave bottle of tropical strength mozzie repellent at home. The mozzies were remarkably commando-like little bastards – I didn’t feel a thing at the time, but was on anti-histamines for a couple of days afterwards. How they managed to get through the crocodile-esque skin on the bottom of my feet is a mystery...Yvonne did warn us that they were likely to strike at dusk, and disappear upon full darkness, but I don’t think they could have wreaked that much havoc in the short space of a hills sundown.

Yvonne or Greg will drive you to and from the Loose Box if that is where you’d like to have dinner, but not being in the mood for a possibly hit-and-miss degustation ($150pp, not including vino) I opted to bring some platter-y type ingredients of my own. I went to Fig Jam in Mt Hawthorn, and picked up some Buche d’Affinois (the Queen, or King of cheeses, I am not sure which, but it is definitely one of them. The Emperor of cheeses maybe?), Fourme D’Ambert (heavenly) and some Aristos seeded mustard hot smoked salmon (was a bit dubious about this, but it turned out to be quite pleasant, far more appetising than the man himself). A bottle of Oyster Bay Chardonnay (boring but nice enough) and we were ready to go. A note about this; in many of the places we have stayed, the staff/proprietors tend to be a little precious about the consumption of one’s own vino. My answer is that if they provided something worth drinking, one wouldn’t need to bring one’s own vino...causality, lazy wine selection. Yvonne had no such issue, due to the nature of her accommodation, and was quite happy to offer the use of her fridges for our benefit.

When it got a little chillier we headed into the Cabana beside the pool, it’s well fitted with fridge, mini-kitchen, table and chairs, CD player and stacks of CDs, and is where breakfast is served in the morning.

Breakfast is continental – organic yogurt, cereals, approximately 4 million types of tea and coffee, fresh bread, muffins, danishes etc. The only real drawback is that it is communal, and my previous experience with this was again confirmed. You walk into the breakfast room/lounge etc, and everyone stops what they are doing, stares at you, ducks their head and continues on. The silence is so deafening that the clatter of your spoon in your coffee cup resembles a helicopter taking off, and you are not even (always) hungover. If you are going to have a conversation with your partner, its conducted in funeral toned whispers, and someone has always snaffled the New Homes section of the newspaper before you get there. Core was no different in this respect, except for the appalling couple who left before us, and left all of their plates, cutlery, serviettes etc on the table. As everyone who had breakfasted previously had tidied their breakfast detritus away next to the sink, I fail to understand why they could not follow this basic example of consideration for others, however He was the type to wear a jumper casually knotted over his shoulders and a pair of deck shoes even when not on a boat, so that explains a fair bit. So does the reading of the Fin Review on a Sunday morning (I feel sure he wasn’t enjoying it though, it was just part of his look. How he must suffer for his artifice!). Karma evened things up when we discovered an entire untouched bain marie of fresh croissants.

I had booked myself a massage, per options on the website – meditation classes and life coaching/discussions (?) are also offered, but I drink far too much coffee to meditate effectively, and life coaching – well, its very easy to tell people what's wrong with them when it isn’t you, no? I could make a fortune...however back to the subject at hand. Lisa, who does the massages, was very professional. She does an Indian style massage, which was both relaxing and invigorating. These occur down in the gym, which was thankfully free of anyone else, and the only sounds you hear are country type ones...birds, wind, the alpacas in the pasture next door. If I didn’t live 40 odd minutes away, I would certainly be looking to see Lisa more often. Getting a good relaxing massage in Perth is difficult I find. I see a fantastic no-nonsense crew for my dodgy back, shoulders, neck, left ear etc, but sometimes you don’t want to be fixed, you just want to lay there, oozing gently. Beauty salons, which tend to offer these things, are staffed by 18 and 19 year olds who often wouldn’t know professionalism if it smacked them across the back of their pointy little heads, and I am sure they discuss the state of your cellulitey legs on their cigarette breaks. Day Spas, of which I am a huge fan, quite often do better, but I had a rotten experience with one recently, unprofessional fuckers, so they are off my list too. But I digress, if you do spend a weekend at Core, consider Lisa, she may have winced at my cellulite, but I didn’t notice it...


All up? Core Luxury Retreat was a fabulous place for a night away, and more if you can manage it. We left feeling like we’d had a proper change of scenery, and we will be definitely be going back, hopefully soon...I need more lip balm...